Debauchery and Questionable Activity; Portland, OR

0100 Hours, Location: HQ


Our operatives have been working night and day to uncover possible terrorist activities all over our great country. Recently many discoveries have been made in the Pacific Northwest region. In Portland, Oregon our undercover operative, Agent 01030-35/ code name Vegan Commando, located activity on almost every block. From "vegan haircuts" to "vegan bakeries" these enterprises are destroying the ways of America today. This means that from doughnuts to strip clubs, none of these businesses are offering animal products, chemical products, or supporting our corporations. These freedom haters are accomplishing trade that is "sustainable" and completely un-American.

01030-35's first stop was a grocery, a vegan grocery, called Food Fight! This business supports a "cruelty-free lifestyle" which involves a much healthier diet, where every ingredient is listed and understood. These lawless guerillas fight tirelessly against American culture, and now we understand how they are able to accomplish this. Their secret weapon seems to be stocking healthier products that involve nutrients which are more compatible with the human body, therefore offering more energy and efficiency to the vegan. Whereas we have spent decades suggesting substances that keep the American populace overweight, listless, and weak, Food Fight! offers the tools for sustainable living, free-thinking, and the stamina to question (and discuss) political debates as well as other current events. If this behavior was to spread through the masses, the consequences are unthinkable.

The extremely disturbing findings of 01030-35's report included the selling of vast product substitutes, and varieties of many different ethnic dishes and ingredients. It is near impossible for a creative being/lover of food to exhaust their options. This means there is no end in sight for the possibilities of already established recipes to be translated into this new form, or for new recipes to be created.

The Food Fight! employees seem friendly, but be aware. If they are themselves vegan, they might sense you are a meat-eater and turn to desperate and drastic measures. Although he did not make a purchase, our operative was bombarded with free literature from pamphlets pertaining to vegan living, recipes on how to create your own vegan meals in any ordinary kitchen , and local events where vegans are invited to get together, communicate, and express their ideas. They also make available many other types of propaganda such as pins, "t" shirts, and stickers, apparently badges shown publicly so vegans can recognize each other. Some might consider these materials advertising for their business, but we here at T.W.A.T. know otherwise.



Informal Notes: Vegan Commando later returned to purchase some items for evidence. Most of the items were recorded and filed, but we were compelled to sample the vegan marshmallows. After testing safe at the lab, some of the agents (bearing gloves and eye wear) lifted the substance with sterilized tweezers and examined the marshmallow substitute, and proclaimed they tasted similar to the original. This was not included in the official communique.